(26/07-2024) – Ladies and gentlemen, gather ’round for a tale of epic fail, a story so rich in noobery that it’ll make your neurons weep. Today, we’re diving into the misadventures of Zucc, the level 80 Death Knight who thought he was hot stuff in Lakeshire. Spoiler alert: He wasn’t.
Picture this: Our “hero” Zucc, an orc with delusions of grandeur, decided to flex his e-peen by ganking low-level players in Lakeshire. Oh, what a big man he was, with his 35,000 hit points, taking on level 25s who probably couldn’t even scratch his oversized, green behind. It’s like watching a fully-grown adult bully toddlers and expect a medal. Bravo, Zucc, bravo.
But wait! What’s that on the horizon? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Sigbjorg, the preg paladin, here to serve some much-needed humble pie to our wannabe tough guy. And oh boy, did Sigbjorg serve it up hot, fresh, and in generous portions.
Now, you’d think after getting his green posterior handed to him once, Zucc might take the hint and slink back to whatever cave he crawled out of. But no! Our intrepid noob decided to turn this into a one-man comedy show. Every time Sigbjorg sent him to meet his ancestors, Zucc would pop right back up like the world’s most persistent, least effective whack-a-mole.
But Zucc had a plan! A master plan so brilliant, it would make Sun Tzu weep with envy. Are you ready for this stroke of genius? He decided to… wait for it… run away on the lake using Path of Frost! Oh, the brilliance! The sheer, unadulterated tactical mastery! Sun Tzu is definitely rolling in his grave, probably trying to high-five Zucc’s ancestors who are all facepalming in the afterlife.
But wait, there’s more! Zucc’s grand strategy didn’t end with just running away. No, no, no. He would occasionally dart to the side to kill a low-level player or the flight master. Because nothing says “I’m a skilled PvPer” like killing NPCs that don’t fight back or players who can’t defend themselves. It’s like he was trying to farm negative honor points. Congrats, Zucc, you’ve officially become Azeroth’s most incompetent blood donor.
And how did this masterful plan work out for our green-skinned friend? About as well as using a fishing pole to joust. Sigbjorg, clearly not impressed by Zucc’s lake-prancing shenanigans, continued to turn him into orc-flavored floor polish. Thirteen times, folks. THIRTEEN. At this point, Zucc had died more times than a cat has lives.
But the pièce de résistance, the cherry on top of this noob sundae, was Sigbjorg’s “pwned” flag. After each kill, that flag went where the sun don’t shine on poor Zucc. I’m not saying Zucc is now part flagpole, but if he sits down too quickly, he might unfurl the banner of his own shame.
Now, some might argue, “But Zucc managed to kill some low-levels and the flight master!” To which I say, congratulations! Here’s your participation trophy for killing NPCs and players who couldn’t fight back. I’m sure your mom is very proud. Maybe next time, try fighting something that can actually hit you back. You know, like a training dummy – though that might still be too challenging.
In the end, the score stood at Sigbjorg: 13, Zucc: 0. But hey, at least Zucc is consistent in his incompetence. He came to Lakeshire to gank, and he left as the gankee. It’s almost poetic, in a “I can’t believe someone is this bad at the game” kind of way.
So, what have we learned from Zucc’s excellent adventure? First, if you’re going to gank, maybe make sure you can actually, you know, fight. Second, running away on a lake is not a viable PvP strategy, no matter how many times you try it. And finally, if you find yourself being used as a human pincushion for someone’s “pwned” flag, it might be time to log off and rethink your life choices.
To Zucc, wherever you are, thanks for the laughs. Your epic fail will live on in infamy, a shining beacon of what not to do in World of Warcraft. May your future endeavors be as successful as your Lakeshire massacre – for the entertainment of the rest of us, of course. (Scorpyo)
